Here's a story about how K___ liberally smeared her ring with Preparation H.
I know what you're thinking, you dirty buggers. And, no, it isn't. Although you're quite right and pregnancy can indeed cause the wondrous side-effect variously known as 'Chalfonts', 'Nobby Styles' and of course, 'bum grapes', K___ has thus far avoided the indignity that is haemorrhoids. When this does happen, it's a result of the body absorbing a greater amount of fluid during pregnancy and food moving more slowly down the intestines. This is a different kind of ring, that of the Wedding variety. K___ noticed that her fingers felt a bit swollen one day. This is very common in pregnancy and occurs as a result of the water retention that may also cause arse marbles. Well, swollen fingers aren't too much of a problem. Until you try to take your rings off. Which aggravates the situation more by making the finger swell.
The first I knew of this was K___ holding out her mitt and showing me the now slightly-reddened and inflamed-looking band of flesh above the rings on her left hand. She was reasonably sanguine about it and remarked how she'd leave it alone and try and get them off the next morning. This was on Thursday.
On Friday, nothing had changed, but she said she'd leave it alone for a bit longer and see what happened.
Next morning, when I awoke after a long sleep in, her hands were still looking slightly puffy and there was certainly no mistaking the inflammation on her ring finger. She'd spent the morning holding the ring under the cold tap, smearing it in margarine, moisturiser and god knows what else to no effect. Well, obviously after so long and trying so many methods, we're starting to think that she might have to have the damn things cut from her fingers. Obviously not ideal.
That evening we went to Southend and to the cinema. Before we got ourselves settled, K___ had popped into the local SuperDrug and purchased the treatment mentioned way back at the start of this piece. She had seen someone on the Interweb mention that Preparation H might work. 'And, it's good for reducing puffy under-eyes...' K___ informed me. When we returned, she put it on the finger and went to bed. I was half-hoping that it might work its magic overnight, but it wasn't to be.
K___ persevered. Finally, we were settled before the gently predictable Sunday wind-down adventures of Barnaby Bergerac (call him by his proper name) and the Midsomer Murders, with K___ 's hand held above her head. During a break, K___ asked me to place a bowl of cold water in the freezer. Two breaks further on, and now suitably chilled, Cool Hand K___ shoved a Prep H-covered finger into the water and waited. Barnaby Bergerac patiently explained the obligatory follow up murders to us and, as justice of one kind was meted out on screen, so perseverance was awarded its own justice as, with a little moisturiser, K___'s rings finally slipped off her hand, much to her great relief.
May this be a cautionary tale!
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