Carrying on with the Great Dad Survey, I asked my mates, What do you remember most about the pregnancy? The dads seemed to have no common memory. Perhaps I didn't frame the question very well; it is a little broad! Here's a selection of the comments:
"Many memories, most particularly singing to Muffin (as we called her back then) at night while she was still in the womb, going to NTC classes and feeling her move about and the joy of seeing her grow with the aid of scans etc."
"I had absolutely no idea what I was in for. I carried round an idealised idea of what being a dad would be that didn't involve sometimes just wanting some peace and quiet to read the paper. I remember _____ having enormous knockers which was very new and cool. I remember her going for a wee every five minutes which was irritating sometimes if we were out."
"Honestly? The fantastic sex!"
"Hanging around ;) going to funny 'classes' but not paying that much attention as I didn?t understand the relevance. Watching ____ grow, and just generally trying to do and say the right thing. For most of the pregnancy, most activities can sort of continue ? eating out, travelling etc ? so its only later on that there?s an impact. ____ had a couple of miscarriages and that affected things somewhat, but while I was gutted for her I didn?t feel any real sense of loss from my own perspective. It did make me very wary of announcing things too early."
Plus this one:
"The shouting!"
I'm not going to sit here and try and work out some brilliant and witty observation that can connect all of these different feelings up, because I don't think there is one. I do relate to some of the comments more than others, but of course, I have a lot of this stuff yet to come.
I asked the dads, 'Did you feel involved in the pregnancy or did you feel a bit of a spare part?' There seemed to be more of a split of opinion here. Some of the dads felt very involved - "The NTC classes helped but I was always involved from the start." but others were a little more split on the matter; "I felt as involved as you can be I guess. I felt part of it when we did all the hospital visits, scans et al but i did feel like a spare part at times." One was quite adamant that he was "a spare part. Yes. I wanted someone to give me something to do." Those of you who've read this blog will know that I've had a few moments of feeling a bit of a spare part. Hopefully though, with the NTC classes booked and scans and midwife visits being a bit more common from now one, that won't be too bad.
"What," I asked, "do you think was your most important contribution during the pregnancy (apart from the obvious!)?" Most of the blokes said that it was pretty easy stuff; being there, being supportive and being uplifting. That's not to say it's not important, but we dads really shouldn't be too taxed by having to be attentive to our pregnant partners. One of my friends actually saved the day by insisting his wife went to the midwife when something went wrong, but hopefully most dads don't have to go through anything like that.
"If you had your time over again, what would you do differently?" The dads were split on this one too. "I have done it all over again and it was completely different. You can?t do anything different and its stupid to try, I think." Another said, "After I went back to work I wasn't that good at being helpful at home. I was tired but my wife was more tired and I should have done more to help her." This one struck me; "I realised I had no clue about even some of the basic practicalities ? how to bath a baby, choose nappies, prepare food etc. From a purely efficiency perspective I could have had all that worked out way before the event and it would have eased the reality considerably I think." K___'s done a lot of this stuff with her niece and nephew. I've never changed a nappy. I realised the other day that I can't remember more than about two nursery rhymes (yeah, I know, there's books)!
I'm going to skip the next question and come back to it.
The dads were asked how different were their expectations of having children to the reality? Probably inevitably, the sleep deprivation was mentioned. I think I know enough to chalk that one up as something I will understand as a concept but be completely incapable of predicting the reality until it actually happens. Another thing brought up by a few of the dads was that baby stuff isn't as much fun as you may think (although those who mentioned it did concede that everyone feels differently). "I think things are probably more like I thought they would be now (football in the garden, fun time). Baby stuff is less fun that I thought it would be but still lovely - just a lot of hard work". More conceptually, another dad offered, "More expensive, less freedom, basically everything you think of but exaggerated a bit." Another said it "changes absolutely everything, and for a while the centre of gravity moves fundamentally away from you and your relationship to somewhere else with kids at the centre."
You remember at the end of kids' cartoons the comic relief character - 7 Zark 7 or Orko - would come on and give some really monstrously crass moral to sum up what we've all learned? For me, the really useful stuff here comes from having my focus taken away from soft-focus images of parenthood towards what by all accounts is an experience that is bound up in emotions, not all of which are necessarily as admirable as perhaps we'd like to think we might have; that it's dirty, exhausting, possibly alienating or boring but for all that it's an experience that the dads who filled in my questionnaire have described thusly:
"You're going through the most personal and unique experience of your life."
"You will never do anything more rewarding in your life than bring up a child. Suddenly, after thirty years of wondering what it?s all about, it suddenly all makes sense."
And next week, He Man and Skeletor have to join forces to fight an enemy that threatens all of Eternia...
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