I think it's probably fair to say that I am not the greatest of sleeping companions.
- I snore. Occasionally, I have become aware of my own snoring and know it's definitely true and definitely not nice.
- I fart - apparently - I can't believe this is true, but K___ swears otherwise (and yes, she does swear about it).
- I hog the centre of the bed. Our next one will be an emperor sized one as a direct result.
- I beat my wife as she sleeps.
I'm least proud of the last one. Not that I do it consciously, you understand, but apparently, every few months, I roll over and elbow K___ in the head. Every so often, I generously knee her in the kidneys whilst adjusting position, all without waking up. Fortunately, she's never ended up with any bruises because I suspect, 'My husband rolled over in his sleep and bashed me one' probably sounds about as convincing as 'I, er... walked into a door' and I'd really rather not be labelled as a wife beater.
As an aside, what happens if a woman really does walk into a door and bruise herself? I'm not making light of domestic abuse, believe me, but what the hell do you say that won't make anyone you tell suspicious?
So, I'm not going to win any prizes for being the world's greatest sleeping partner. K___ now find sleeping on her stomach very uncomfortable and is having trouble adjusting to staying on her sides all night. There are also serious implications. I really don't want to be kneeing a heavily pregnant woman in the stomach, do I?
We'll see what happens, but it could be that I end up in the spare room. It's a lot better than the alternative.
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