I've always loved Kate Bush and the album The Sensual World has long been my favourite. I listened to it last night and I have to say the track 'This Woman's Work', always beautiful, is now just terribly, terribly poignant.
It was written for a John Hughes comedy called 'She's having a Baby'. I've never seen it, so I've no idea what it's like, but apparently the song fits over a scene where the husband is waiting outside the labour room and the nurse comes out and tells him there might be problems with the birth. It's written from his perspective and is him trying to get to grips with what's happening.
Although this is very much ahead of where we're at, and there's no suggestion that K___ will have any issues at this stage, I still find the song absolutely heartbreaking. The song is about the labour process but I can totally relate to the sentiments of the first verse.
It seems to me that there can be a tendency to slightly dismiss men in this whole having children malarky. Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to go off on one about how all women secretly hate men or anything like that. One of my friends said something rather dissmissive about my part in proceedings the other day - not to me directly, in passing and it was intended to be humourous. However, I did have a split second reaction to it (the part of my brain which seems to think I am a character in a bad B-movie comes up with a scene where I walk out on K___ just to prove the point that maybe I'm not quite as fucking irrelevant as all that and wouldn't that show her? Seems a bit over the top to ruin K___'s life to make a point to someone else, but that's the B-movie brain for you, and precisely why I don't let it in charge.) I'm sure, if my mate were to read this, she'd be horrified to think that it had that effect and I'm well aware that there was no intent to belittle or anything. However, if I'm being truthful, I did slightly resent it, even if it was in jest.
The thing is, I'm pretty much limited to trying to be considerate. It's not my body being abused and re-configured. It's not me who gets to feel dizzy or pukey or suddenly find I'm off my food and of course, it's not me who has to do the equivalent of shitting a deckchair. All of that is self-evidently true and no one's about to be stupid enough to pretend that it's not the woman who deserves and needs the most support. But there is slightly more to it than just the mechanics of it.
This is the single biggest thing that people can do and I have been largely redundant in this whole thing since the moment the winning sperm left the end of Mr Winky. Beyond making K___ feel as comfortable as possible and being there when she wants me, for nine months I am going to be completely at the mercy of this thing. This is the single biggest thing that people can do, and I can do virtually nothing except think about things, which I find I am doing all the time, and fluff a few pillows. There are some moments where I find this whole thing completely terrifying and there are other times when what's happening excites me beyond my capacity to explain and every possible stage in between.
It was written for a John Hughes comedy called 'She's having a Baby'. I've never seen it, so I've no idea what it's like, but apparently the song fits over a scene where the husband is waiting outside the labour room and the nurse comes out and tells him there might be problems with the birth. It's written from his perspective and is him trying to get to grips with what's happening.
Although this is very much ahead of where we're at, and there's no suggestion that K___ will have any issues at this stage, I still find the song absolutely heartbreaking. The song is about the labour process but I can totally relate to the sentiments of the first verse.
It seems to me that there can be a tendency to slightly dismiss men in this whole having children malarky. Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to go off on one about how all women secretly hate men or anything like that. One of my friends said something rather dissmissive about my part in proceedings the other day - not to me directly, in passing and it was intended to be humourous. However, I did have a split second reaction to it (the part of my brain which seems to think I am a character in a bad B-movie comes up with a scene where I walk out on K___ just to prove the point that maybe I'm not quite as fucking irrelevant as all that and wouldn't that show her? Seems a bit over the top to ruin K___'s life to make a point to someone else, but that's the B-movie brain for you, and precisely why I don't let it in charge.) I'm sure, if my mate were to read this, she'd be horrified to think that it had that effect and I'm well aware that there was no intent to belittle or anything. However, if I'm being truthful, I did slightly resent it, even if it was in jest.
The thing is, I'm pretty much limited to trying to be considerate. It's not my body being abused and re-configured. It's not me who gets to feel dizzy or pukey or suddenly find I'm off my food and of course, it's not me who has to do the equivalent of shitting a deckchair. All of that is self-evidently true and no one's about to be stupid enough to pretend that it's not the woman who deserves and needs the most support. But there is slightly more to it than just the mechanics of it.
This is the single biggest thing that people can do and I have been largely redundant in this whole thing since the moment the winning sperm left the end of Mr Winky. Beyond making K___ feel as comfortable as possible and being there when she wants me, for nine months I am going to be completely at the mercy of this thing. This is the single biggest thing that people can do, and I can do virtually nothing except think about things, which I find I am doing all the time, and fluff a few pillows. There are some moments where I find this whole thing completely terrifying and there are other times when what's happening excites me beyond my capacity to explain and every possible stage in between.
If it were possible to be more involved in what's happening, then of course I would gladly do anything required. But, it doesn't work that way. Maybe one day men will be able to incubate the foetus, but it's not going to be any time soon and right now, there is no way to get more involved in the physical side of things, but I am still involved.
'We' are not pregnant, but even if it doesn't seem like I add a lot to proceedings, I most definitely am involved in this thing and it's not just me supporting K___; she is supporting me too. It's not just happening to her, it is happening to us, and sorry, but actually we are having a baby, even though only one of us is pregnant and going to give birth.
*ahem*
Sorry, you can blame naughty Kate Bush for that little rant...
*ahem*
Sorry, you can blame naughty Kate Bush for that little rant...
This Woman's Work - Kate Bush
Pray God you can cope.
I stand outside this woman's work,
This woman's world.
Ooh, it's hard on the man,
Now his part is over.
Now starts the craft of the father.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things I should've said,
That I never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things I should've given,
But I didn't.
Oh, darling, make it go, Make it go away.
Give me these moments back.
Give them back to me.
Give me that little kiss.
Give me your hand.
(I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.)
I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things we should've said,
That were never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things that you needed from me.
All the things that you wanted for me.
All the things that I should've given,
But I didn't.
Oh, darling, make it go away.
Just make it go away now.
I think I know the comment you're referring to and you'd be right that it wasn't made with intent or belittlement.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about men being made to feel periphery to these things once their todgers have done the work, but all congratulations have been to you *both* and this is an exciting, scary life-changing thing for you both, no doubt about it. Just because one of you owns the garage, doesn't mean you can't both enjoy the car. Or something.
No-one should doubt how emotionally affected men are during pregnancy ? just wait til the first scan :)
I love that song too, btw, a beautiful lyric.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDelete(Note: this is a repost of this comment, because the first version was pasted from Word and had all sorts of apostrophes and things that went funny when I posted it!)
ReplyDeleteHmmm... I've replied to the first two comments in person, but it's rapidly becoming apparent that I've not managed to express myself as well as I would have hoped in this post.
It seems as though I may have given the impression that I feel left out. I don't.
It seems as though I may have given the impression that I resent K___ getting attention/presents etc. I don't.
I certainly don't labour under any sort of delusion that I'm going through the same stuff as K___ or that she shouldn't be the focus of attention! She should, and it would absolutely wrong if it were otherwise.
As I have said to my very lovely friend who made the remark that kicked off this post, it wasn't to single her out (I've read similar and indeed very much worse comments elsewhere) and nor did it give me more than a moment's annoyance at the time. Had I not picked This Woman's Work off the shelf, it's highly unlikely I would have remembered the comment at all.
What got me was the 'because he's not doing anything?? The rest of it was entirely, unequivocally fine, but I took umbrage because there is nothing I can do. I?m not doing nothing because I'm lazy or because I don't care but because there is nothing I can do. Although I know it wasn't intended in this way, it felt like a criticism, and I don't feel I need to apologise for being incapable of incubation. Essentially, I felt it was unnecessary to mention me at all. If the statement had been, 'I'll throw a baby shower for K___!' I wouldn't have been sitting there thinking, 'hey, that's unfair, why aren't I getting one?' because it wouldn't have occurred to me to think that. I'd have been thinking, 'Oh, that's really cool. Nice one!'
Well, as I've said, the 'offence' was only ever momentary, and absolutely my problem, not hers, which is why I wanted to explore my reaction a bit. I've already gone through all this with the lovely lady concerned privately, and there's no problem. As I said to her, I've made a promise to myself to be honest in writing this blog and I felt my reaction to the comment was quite interesting and worth writing about, so I did.
It seems as though I've given the impression that I resent K___ getting attention/presents etc. I don't.
I certainly don't labour under any sort of delusion that I'm going through the same stuff as K___ or that she shouldn't be the focus of attention! She should, and it would manifestly wrong if it were otherwise.
As I have said to my very fine friend who made the remark that kicked off this post, it wasn't to single her out (I've read similar and indeed very much worse comments elsewhere) and nor did it give me more than a moment's annoyance and had I not picked This Woman's Work off the shelf, it's highly unlikely I would have remembered the comment at all.
Hmmmm it is tricky. I hope that you do feel very included as I try to tell you what is going on but the fact remains that while baby M is still in situ I am going to be a bit more involved!
ReplyDeleteI do know what you are going to be a pretty cool Dad!